Motion in the Ocean

Life has taken me on a surprise journey since my last post here. It’s been a minute since I’ve sat down and let the words flow freely. So without any further ado, here are my updates.

I’ve moved from beautiful sunny side Egypt to my hometown in Italy to start from square one. Winter came and became a distant memory; the same could be said for spring but then there was summer carrying winds of new opportunities and surprises. I got into a masters program in Sweden (the city of Jonkoping to be exact).

Wow.

Where do I begin?

I certainly didn’t plan to move again especially way north in the old continent but I said why not. I may regret it if I don’t take it so I packed my bags and waved goodbye.

I won’t lie, I was scared and till this day I might still am. But definitely, the first day here in Sweden was the scariest day of my entire life. I knew no one and I was a bundle of hay-wired nerves; everything was so new and it was crashing into my brain 200 km/hr. No internet, no Swedish language abilities and no one to talk to.

Deep breath.

Re-organize thoughts.

Clear mind.

You are strong.

You can make it.

Those were the words echoing in my brain so loudly that I started to take a few steps and..I met fellow international students. One word leads to another and we became friends.

That’s how it started I guess, I put on my big girls pants and believed in myself. Sometimes I get flooded by doubts and anxious-filled thoughts but I get out of it, not always but sometimes. I learned so many things about life and myself that I didn’t have the chance to learn them in my past 26 years of life. Not all came with positive realizations, it sometimes gave me a bitter lesson to understand. Funny isn’t it? How life works, one time a bitch-slap and one time a kiss? Not funny, just interesting.

Now, I have to decide a few things for the future, but to those who know me personally…I am the most indecisive person on planet Earth. Not a proud trait, but still something I know that I would love to gradually change with time.

So that’s it, I am in Scandinavia and I guess I am somewhat okay.

( I wrote the first part of this entry a few months ago and I finally decided to complete it. I am the embodiment of procrastination 🙂 )

Yours truly,

Nabila

 

Gold and Silver

This is something that I wrote 3 or 4 years ago and I discovered it in my old university notebook. Funny how time passes so quickly, I am trying to remember how was I feeling when I wrote that entry but it totally escaped my cluttered head. Without further ado, here is Gold and Silver (please bear in mind that this is not a poem but I just named it since the entry starts with these two words)

Gold and Silver

Gold and silver may be one of the most valued materials in this life of ours especially when nowadays materialism conquers virtues. However, years pass by and you lived life to the fullest never obliging to the moral code that you believed in, will you regret it? The promise that you made to yourself in which you swore you won’t let anyone or anything come between you and your passion is starting to dissolve like a snowflake on the first day of Spring. What remains of those words that you whispered between yourself and your heart is just a long forgotten breeze.

I remember during my high school years, my father was pressuring me to go into med school, convincing me that it would be financially secure on the long run and it would be an honoring profession. I, on the other hand had no inclination to venture on that path. Mind you, I was only 16 years old at that time. I believed that my passion for writing is what will keep me going all my life.

One night after a big fight with my father, my late maternal grandfather called me into his room to calm me down. Through my snot-filled tearful explanations I told him that I had no intention to become a dentist, I was frightened by the possibility that my father is trying to live his life through mine.

My grandfather nodding understandingly, he smiled and beckoned me to sit closer to him.

He took his hand in mine “Baba” he started with a smile,

“Do whatever that makes you happy, no one in this life gets to live your life. One day your parents will be gone, and you will regret not standing up for your own dreams and passions. I know that you may be young, but understand that your father is looking out for you however, you have the right to choose your own path. Don’t be afraid to embark on your own journey to find yourself, it is much better than living in the shadows of a dream of someone else.”

That night, I slept serenely without a shadow of a doubt. I will stand up for my dreams. I wont let anyone negate my aspirations. I am my own author of this book of mine called life.

Thank you Baba Jeddo.

In my time of sadness

Why is my sadness not accounted for? I’ve lost a lot in this year yet in my time of solitude and self misery I am asked to feign happiness and content. I’ve moved to a whole new country, I’ve changed my habits and surroundings, yet I am told to fake as if none of this happened. I’ve said goodbye to my friends and to all of those familiar faces, I packed my bags and let the dust take my place.

What now? Why are you asking me to be happy? To be glad? To be content? Don’t you know that before you stripped me from my element, I was a cheerful spirit. Now, I am just a lifeless flower wrapped in a bouquet, pretending to be beautiful but lives no more.

Maybe you wont understand my grievance, but please give me time.

Muslims are not Daesh

Written on November 14th 2015.

I’ve been hesitating on whether to write something about these recent attacks in Paris for a few hours, however I believe that it’s my time to let out my feelings on this matter once and for all.

Sadly on November 13th, the French capital has witnessed  a string of terrorist attacks that killed 130 and injured 368 people.Unprecedentedly, the attacks were planned in a manner that created a state of panic in Paris.

On that night, I was celebrating my bestfriend’s birthday, so I wasn’t checking my social media accounts and there were no news outlets around us. So after a night of merrymaking, I go back home to read that there was a terrorist attack in Paris and in that second my heart stopped.

I saw the images and they were infuriating. People were dead. People were injured. People were in a state of panic. I couldn’t wrap my mind around who would do that until I remembered the obvious and my blood grew cold.

Please God, don’t let it be real! Please don’t let it be an Arab! Please don’t let it be a Muslim!!

As an Arab Muslim girl, I understood the heavy load that befell me from an early age. Since that wretched day in September 11 everything became zoomed on my religion, Islam. Terrorist groups were hijacking my religion of peace and created something out of a horror movie with their perverse understanding of the religion. I was mad at these people, these terrorists, heck I am mad till now. They stole my childhood. They made feel responsible for the deaths of innocent people around the globe just because we share something, we share the same religion, Islam.

As a western girl, I get to understand the scrutiny from my own society first-handedly; they would whisper obscenities, incredulousness and fear filled questions. I had to try to ignore it all. I had to grow a thicker skin quickly at an early age and create excuses for these people who didn’t know me personally because of they did they wouldn’t call me names.

I am tired of defending my religion, day in and day out. I am tired of defending myself and my choices because some stranger sees me as a brainwashed oppressed Muslim girl when I’m not.  Because these strangers’viewpoints are generated by these warmongering idiots who are screaming my God’s name for something vile and horrid that they have just committed.

These terrorists don’t know that God’s plan for them is not paradise whatsoever, no they don’t .

God, I hate them!

People don’ t understand that these terrorists harm us, Muslims before anyone else. They want to create a black and white world, where it’s us vs them.

I refuse to live in such a dim cold world. Every moderate God fearing Muslim doesn’t want to live in such a disgusting world.

These terrorists don’t get to steal my religion and make awful actions on my name. No, my religion doesn’t command that. My religion is Islam, the religion of peace.

Daesh’s religion is a blood-thirsty and a  war mongering ideology that is affecting US all negatively. We should stand up against these terrorists. Us all. Muslims, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists, Pagans, and everything is between should fight these monsters.

Because one thing I know for sure is that, Muslims are not Daesh. They don’t represent us whatsoever, I am awaiting the day of their downfall eagerly.

“When The World Moves On, It’s You Who Stays”

As we grow up we tend to find ourselves in difficulties that seemed like worst case scenarios in our childhood. Life comes with no book of instructions, it throws you deep into the ocean and society expects that you are a good swimmer; thus creating a false image of perfection. There are those who are naturally talented in swimming and those who take sometime to garner a bit of needed courage to start their long road of waves fighting. Yet, in the midst of the panic and the instinctively trait where humans marginalize the weak ones in order to glorify the stronger entity, there are the lost bunch.

The lost ones are the persons who don’t know where to stand or in this case, swim. Most probably they are trying to keep their shit together while they are slowly drowning, into an abyss called self doubt. Communities around the world have perpetuated this mirage of falsehood in which they portray groups of people into two categories; us vs them.

It is the classic tool of fear used throughout human history; this conniving strategy making us slaves to beliefs and lifestyles that are not suitable for every single person on planet Earth. Indeed, this world, this reality, this bubble called life was tailored for them and not us, because they put down the rules and not us.

In this unfair categorization, many of us feel pressured to prove ourselves to the world. Society has instilled in us the urge that if we don’t abide by the laws set upon us then we might be subjected to the unfortunate sorting into the ‘them’ group.  Yet, here are the questions that cloud my tempestuous mind. Why do I have to justify my worthiness to someone? Why do I have this insatiable need of creating a perfect illusion of myself?

On the grounds that I succeed in becoming an archetype of the perfect human being, I will be left with nothing but discontent in my heart. Because I know that while I was striving to validate myself in the eyes of others, I would have lost every ounce of respect I had for myself.

For that reason I try to convince myself as much as I can that it is I who matters and not them. My life belongs to myself and not them. Because my friend, when the world moves on, it’s you who stays.

At the end, we attempt to brainwash ourselves with the notion that the ‘Them’ entity is just an imaginative monster that we have created in our minds to avoid life’s cruelest mishaps, but sometimes these shadows behind the door may not only be a fragment of your imagination, because once in a blue moon these shadows turn to be real monsters that are waiting for their perfect time to strike.

A Young Woman’s Woes

It is strange how us human beings tend to pressure ourselves to accommodate the presence of each-other’s lives. We grow up with the notion that loneliness and solitude are awful consequences if we don’t have those who superficially comfort us with limited affection and attention. Forsaking the fact that loneliness is a state of mind where you can recollect your thoughts and set your priorities according to your heart’s needs without being sidelined by the hectic roulette of life.

Conforming to the standards of a society that has little regards to our emotional toils is disheartening as it destroys peculiar dreams and empty expectations promised by such entity.

However what acts as a fortress is our belief system, whether it was a religious one or a symbolic reminder of constant strength that may be one of our anchors during upsetting sea of events. Even with the constant bombardment of the social paradigms that we face nowadays it is of high importance to remember that complying to the benchmark hyped by the society might create an emotional regression to which the society frowns upon from the very beginning.

And that is what we call a conundrum.

God is Love

This is a post I wrote on October 13th 2013

As I am staring at the blank page not knowing what to write, I remembered a conversation I had with my friend. Basically, I told her that I am out of faith, my friend not knowing what to say asked me the dreaded ‘Why?’ however for the first time I knew the reason. I am angry at God.

I am angry at God because I had one million and one expectations and yet I feel that nothing changed. I am angry at God because if he really loved us that much why did he create us flawed and expect us to behave according to his plan, I am sorry but if I was to be judged for my good nature can I at least have less troubles and more time to go out and do good?

I am angry at God because I feel so irrelevant in this big world when I want to do great things, which at the end of the day it only happens in my head.

I am angry at God but this raging feeling is stemming from a pure emotion called love, and I finally realized that God has great things coming my way but all I have to be patient.

“God Only Gives When You Forgive”

 

 

The Good and The Bad

As I am scrolling through motivational websites and videos on YouTube, I came to a big realization. I discovered that I am not the only one who needs to be motivated or helped. In our human nature it is easy to victimize ourselves instead of standing up, dusting our shoulders and say ‘it is alright, I am fine’. Speaking for myself, I always like to think that I am the ‘Ugly Duckling’ and that the whole entire universe is out to get me

Me

Let that sink in

This whole big universe with millions and millions of secrets and creatures and whatnot, is out to get me?

Why?

I wouldn’t know how to answer that, but I came to the conclusion that I am not the only one hurting and that it is more than fine to shed a tear! It is fine to feel disappointed at the turnout in the events of our lives, it is because we expect a lot from ourselves and that is not a bad thing! The human race is tenacious and unsettling that is why we are here today, the modernity of this world is the proof that we don’t settle. So why would you? Why would I settle for pain and anger? Why would I settle for loneliness and hatred?

But still, you need to understand that without these negative feelings, you will never know how to appreciate the positives and the good  in this world of ours. Without the cold harsh winter you will never know how to appreciate the delicate nice feeling of spring.

Dancing in September

One of my methods to relax and to re-collect my thoughts is to pen them down, or in this decade to type it down. Typing away the words swirling in your brain like an endless snow storm has this soothing effect on me. Sometimes there are words that don’t know how to take the form of a spoken form so they are there, waiting. However, far more important commitments come in between your passion and yourself.

I loved writing since I was around 10, I had a knack for imagining stories in my head (till now) and writing  poetry (what I thought it was pure art) , I wanted to cultivate it somehow but
knew how and secretly I never wanted to. As I was getting older I discovered that writing can’t be a way of life, it’s not profitable. I was trying to make my through the world and a pen (keyboard) can’t be my choice of weapon against the wars that I would definitely fight in my lifetime. My parents tried to implement that ideology in my head and I somehow didn’t fight it off at first. As I grew and the rebellious tendencies started to set in my character I doubted my parent’s convenient lifestyle. I had no interest in becoming a dentist, an engineer or a world best classified politician; I just wanted to become someone I would be proud of in introducing.

Many battles and in this year (2013) I realized what I wanted to do. I came in to terms with my deepest hopes, fears and ambitions.

You never know what you want until someone asks that God damn question over and over again.

“How do you see yourself in the future?”

“I really don’t know, alive maybe?”

I never thought about my future until I got into the job interviews; in which the interviewer asks the dreaded question which leaves you on the shaky ground.

However, after so many questions I came up with my answer that may not be the model one. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to be content, I want to be in-love, I want to be achieving and I want to be the best mom in the world.

No matter what will try to stop me or who will discourage me in becoming the better version of myself, I will never stop in believing that I will achieve great and big things.

And in the immortal words of Rihanna.

“Life’ s too short to be sitting around miserable”

It’s a Mad Mad World

I am an awful person, writing terrible posts just to redeem my behavior. I am not a good blogger and I believe we came in terms to that. I work best when I’m under pressure, but then again who doesn’t?

Moving on with a small summary of how my time have been since I last posted.

Nothing.

Exactly.

I DID NOTHING WITH MY LIFE.

I have been sulking around my house or when I’m lucky out & about with friends. You see I graduated, now what? Yes, I am asking this question now. Unemployment was an inevitable thing and here I am sending my CV to every person on this planet (not literally) and not hearing from them ever…EVER! Why! What do you have against fresh graduates? What did they do you wrong? Instead of having those old bags why not hire fresh meat? Us graduates didn’t go through all this madness just to stare at our pictures from university and wonder what went wrong.

Typical statements and questions that go through an unemployed fresh graduate’s mind:

1. Why aren’t they calling me back?

2.  I should have majored to become an accountant or a manager, banks are always hiring.

3. Am I going to live like that for the rest of my days? Unemployed?

4. Will my parents kick me out?

5. Do I need to start pay rent and buy my own food?

6. I should have studied more, God damn it!

7. Get MA? Where should I get the money?

8. Did I write my phone number right? I need to check my contact information (for the 100th time) again.

9. Fuck society, making us think that once we graduate a lavishing job will be waiting for us.

10. So, if there is no job? Marriage is what will come next right? (Us girls think that. Boys…patience is virtue…)

So basically our life is a big LIE. No job, unemployment rates are up because old bags are glued to their seats and don’t want to give it up!

I’m sick and tired of sending my CV everywhere and waiting for someone to call me or call me back. I need a job, I may not be a man but I have a family to support. I need to apply all these years’ learning into something useful and not just counting my fingers back and forth (I don’t do that..fine…sometimes)

Sometimes I wish I wake up early and curse the wind for being harsh against my cheeks; so when someone asks me: “why up so early” I will look at them with an irritated fake look (I’m happy from the inside) “I’m going to work, I hate my life” (NO, I DON’T SIR, HAVE A GOOD DAY. I HAVE A JOB! HALLELUJAH! RELEASE THE CONFETTI BARBARA!)

Oh, I need to go to the gym too. Blasphemy! Oh well, at least I will be leaving my confinements only to return a while later to the ugly truth. UNEMPLOYED.

Oh God, have mercy on this unemployed desperate creature and give her something to wake up for; a nice job and a beautiful man (I was going to write sexy, but let’s not be greedy)

A girl can dream, am I right?

Until then,

Billy was here!

PS: I promise to visit my mental sanctuary more and who knows? Maybe God will have listened to my constant prayers and fulfilled them!

Baci xx